If you’ve ever read any of my books, you’ve probably noticed that they have a particularly gothic flair. Usually Southern Gothic, but not always. I’m a lover of the macabre which can sometimes make my romances a little less than romantic for some. But I can’t help it. I’ve always been a creature of the night. So when ManCrates.com (more about them later) asked me to put up a blog post about a Horror Movie Survival Kit, how could I refuse?
Picture it. It’s a dark and stormy night. Your car has broken down on a lonely country road. There’s no one around and the rain is beating down so hard you can barely see a couple of inches in front of you. Ahead you can see an enormous, run down old mansion rising from the flat landscape. Perhaps there’s a nice old lady there with a phone you can use. So, in blissful ignorance, you fight your way up the mucky drive and immediately find yourself in the middle of a horror movie. What do you do? How will you survive? What are the essentials of maneuvering your way through the horror tropes until daylight breaks the spell? Well, I’ve compiled a little list to help…
#1 Clean underwear. My sainted Mama always reminded us to wear clean underwear whenever we went out. “You never know when you might be in a car accident,” she’d scold. Turns out that this savvy bit of street smarts is in fact essential. Chicks in horror movies always manage to show us their underwear while they’re outrunning the psycho killer. Think how embarrassing it would be if she had holes in there or mysterious stains! Talk about adding insult to injury!
#2 A car charger for your mobile phone. Everyone in horror movies these days has a cell phone. You see them use it several times to call home to Mom, sext their boyfriends or even use the GPS app to find their way down the lonely country road. The one thing they never have is a car charger! In the most tense moments of the movie, you always see the hero/ heroine look down at their phone only to find that their battery is dead. Moral of this story: always keep a spare charger in the dash of your car.
#3 A good pair of sneakers. Have you ever noticed that women in horror movies are never wearing the right shoes? I mean, I have this problem myself. I’m a firm believer in “if I can’t wear flip-flops, I’m not going.” But come on, people. Nine times out of ten, the damsel in distress is running from Freddy Krueger in a pair of Gucci pumps. She trips on a gum wrapper, breaks her ankle and is devoured by the baddie. So please, for the love of all things holy– throw some well-worn Nikes in the trunk.
#4 An IQ. I think this one’s pretty self-explanatory. The people in horror movies often times leave their homes with no brains at all. They stop in the creepy old house to use the phone. They pick up a hitchhiker. They leave their windows open for the first available vampire. They decide to lose their virginity in the woods out behind the old shack. What the hell is wrong with you people? We actually start to root for these people to die because they’re such morons. So please— don’t leave home without your brain.
I could go on and on about this subject, but I fear that my horror movie survival kit would no longer fit in a small crate in your car. And speaking of crates, I’d like to thank the folks over at ManCrate.com for inviting me to share my thoughts. They’re an online company that specializes in amazing gifts for men. Especially those that are hardest to buy for. You can order a crate full of themed gifts for the man in your life and the best part is– he has to open it with a crowbar! Anywhoo… thanks for the challenge!