I’m writing to you as a last resort. If you can’t offer me some comfort, I’m going to walk out into the sun and end it all. You see, I’m a vampire in distress and only you can help. I’ve been seeing the same girl for several years and four movies and I think she’s become bored with our relationship. Even though I’m a vampire that’s lived for centuries, I can fly, I’m filthy rich and have even gone so far as to give her the gift of immortality, she seems to want more. It all started when she was asked to star in a vampire retelling of a fairy tale, directed by the foremost werewolf movie director in the country! I know, it sounds crazy. Soon she was pal-ing around with this guy, coming in later and later smelling like a dog! Some nights her coffin hadn’t even been slept in. Then a couple of weeks ago some pictures of her surfaced kissing this guy! And not on the lips!
So I’m asking you, Alexandra– what should I do? She’s the love of my un-life and I don’t think I can go on being undead without her, but I’m not going to be made a fool of by a werewolf!
Unsparkly in Seattle
I think you’ve forgotten the most basic and primal issue here– YOU’RE A FUCKING VAMPIRE! If this chick is so keen on handing out BJs to lesser species, then let her go. There’s plenty of other paranormal fish in the sea. Not to mention soccer moms and horny teenagers. And if you really need to make yourself feel better, embrace your inner monster and invite that bitch over for a STAKE dinner!