Fifty Shades of WTF!?!– PT. 3, The Revenge

My subconscious is telling me not to write this post.  She jumps up and down wearing her angriest steel stilletto cha-cha shoes.  I smack her down.

Don’t worry.  I didn’t lift that line directly from Fifty Shades.  But I could have.  I read three chapters tonight and my first observation is that I want to take Anastasia’s subconscious by the hair, pull her head back and slit her throat.  I really want her subconscious to stop talking.  Look, I’m all for literary devices, but there comes a point when these little inner dialogues become tiresome.  As I’ve told my students a hundred times.  Show.  Don’t Tell.  This chick is hearing more voices than Charley Manson.

And dark, unexplored places.  Can we stop visiting those?  Is she talking about her basement or her vagina?  Or perhaps Christian’s psyche?  I can’t quite figure it out.  But every night she’s dreaming of dark, unexplored places.  My editor gets all over me for using the word they too much, yet this babe is getting away with dark unexplored places on every page.  Though I will say— it’s better than gaping maw.

The last bit I read tonight involved the deflowering of Anastasia.  WTF?!  First off, we spent the previous ten pages discussing how Grey is a cold and unfeeling sadist.  He shows her his dungeon for fuck’s sake (yes… I said it.  I said the F-word.)!  Oh and by the way– can we not just call a spade a spade.  Playroom, oxblood leather that gives it a romantic feel?  Whatever… its a fuckin’ dungeon.  Anyway, the about face was so abrupt that I thought I had skipped a few pages.  I get that we wanted to incorporate the virgin fantasy.  But perhaps that scene would have been better suited BEFORE the dungeon and the “I don’t make love.  I fuck.  Hard.”  line. That being said, I thought that the sex scene was pretty well written and I admit– parts of it made me flutter a little bit.  I have to give credit where it’s due.  Grey is a pretty damn hot.  His choices of words are very believable and very seductive.  So kudos to his end of the dialogue.  But so help me… if that bitch says “oh my” one more time….

I’d like to end tonight with a little taste of my own “deflowering” scene from Beast of Burden.  Like Christian Grey, my werewolf hero, Cianan Marek, is a gruff and dominating son of a bitch with a soft spot for a certain girl.  In this scene, our hero and heroine are finally going to get it on!  And of course, being a good little medievalish slave— she reveals her virginity and apprehension to her Master…. rawwrr…

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Her eyes were open when his mouth descended on hers once more. His kiss was  furious and their tongues fought for dominance before he won out. When he rose, he pulled her with him, gathering her into his arms and turning to lay her back down across his bed, their lips never parting. By the time he released her, she was gasping for breath and pulling at his shirt, wanting him to stay close. He took her hands, putting them by her sides as he knelt beside her on the bed. Her eyes stayed on him as he lifted her pelvis easily, tugging her torn dress over her hips and throwing it aside. He made another growling sound as his eyes slithered over her body and Sascha’s heart skipped a beat. She started to protest, but his mouth silenced her again. His hands were all over her, tracing lightly with the tips of his fingers. She groaned softly, stretching out beneath him, remembering all the things she’d read in Bella’s journal. Would he work the same magic on her? She was apprehensive, but more afraid that this would end.

Cianan slid to his side, his hand placed warmly on her belly as he kissed the cuff of her ear. “You’re so beautiful, Sascha. Seeing you lying here ignites a fire I’d thought long dead.”

She blushed, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything in response, feeling only the palms of his hands moving in slow circles around her navel. It was as if he were memorizing her skin, every curve, every blemish. He leaned down to kiss her again, but she shied away.

“Cianan,” she whispered, her fingers against his lips. “I should tell you. I’ve…” she stammered, losing her nerve every time she looked into those glowing embers in his eyes. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what…”

“Ssshhh…” he soothed, kissing each of her fingertips. “You’ve nothing to fear, little one. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

He gave her a comforting smile and she nodded. She grew quiet as he placed a trail of burning kisses across her collarbone. She closed her eyes, wanting to clear her head from the spell he was working over her with his hands. He continued stroking her skin, caressing each little crease and studying her reactions. The sweeps became wider until his fingertips brushed the gentle curvature of her breast. She made a small whine and he took it as encouragement, taking the breast into his mouth again. This time, he took the bud of her nipple between his teeth, nipping it gently with the point of his pearled canine.

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And of course…. you have to read the rest for yourself!  But I can tell you how to get the rest… take a little trip over to Amazon, AllRomanceEbooksBookstrand or B&N.com.  Just sayin’….

As for Fifty Shades, I’ll be back tomorrow with another set of musings LIVE from ConCarolinas in Charlotte, NC!  I’ll be appearing on panels Saturday and Sunday, but I will be available for snarky comments from the audience at many others.  See y’all soon!

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6 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of WTF!?!– PT. 3, The Revenge

  1. D. X. Luc says:

    I LOVE LOVE LOVE these posts! Keep them coming. I too am reading this *again* because I was told I read it wrong the first time. I must still be reading wrong.

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  2. OMG…I can’t stop laughing. Your blog is awesome. Yes I read 50 Shades and enjoyed the book. However, unlike some other fans, I have a open mind enough to appreciate other people’s opinions regarding their good, bad and ugly comments. So far, you have the best. Looking forward to your next posting!

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    • Thanks so much Jacque! I’m enjoying reading the book, if for no other reason than to make fun little comments about it’s foibles. So glad you’re enjoying it. I’ve been at a convention all weekend, but I should be back to my reading tomorrow! Thanks!!

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  3. Leigh says:

    I’ve one of the five who haven’t read the book- but I have to say, it sounds like someone thought “I bet I can do a romance book with werewolves, put in no effort, and get it to sell.” Love these posts, can’t wait to read more!

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  4. Realistically, throat-slitting works better if you hold the head down. Once the artery is cut it puckers, allowing the blood to rush out faster.

    *rereads that comment* Yep… Against my better judgment I’m still posting it.

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  5. I’m one of the other people that have not read 50 Shades yet, not planning on it either but love reading other people’s reviews. I downloaded the first chapter free on Kindle and didn’t care for Bella, I mean Ana…yeah Ana 🙂

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