50 Shades of WTF?!: An Ending, or Why My Closet Door Now Has a Hole

I’m going to start off by saying that I’m going to try really hard not to give out any spoilers.  People have told me that since reading my blog, they are going to read50 Shades after all.  And despite my mischiveous nature, I don’t want to spoil it for them.  All I will say, kittens, is that E.L. James is damn lucky she wasn’t at my house last night.  Picture it…. Lexxx’s bathroom… 10pm….

I’m sitting in the bath where I have been for an hour, desperately trying to finish this damn book.  Little known fact about Lexxx– when I’m writing, I’m a pitifully slow reader.  I’m cheering as Christian seems to be doing all the right things.  Our heroine seems to be coming out of the fog of stupidity a little and acting like a grown up.  And then… things take a turn for the worse.  I’m screaming, “Clam up, stupid bitch!” And watching as her and that idiotic, naiive little inner voice completely ruin everything.  And then I’m completely and utterly enraged by the herky-jerky change in mood, the cowardice.. just… the pitiful non-ending.  Finally in a show of unadulterated anger I threw the book against the bathroom closet door.

Don’t worry… I felt this way at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring.

Anyway, if I say anymore there will be spoilers, so let’s move right to the contest.  That’s right… I said it– CONTEST!  Ever play that game Beyond Balderdash?  We’re gonna play something like that.  My friends and I have been laughing coming up with ridiculous names that spoof 50 Shades.  So here’s the deal… you guys post a comment that tells your spoof name and a brief synopsis of the book (100 words or so).  Make it funny and believeable.  Oh and don’t forget that all important email addy.  Myself and a committee (I’ll draft Crymsyn Hart and Siobhan Kincade) will choose the best one and post the winner HERE on Friday, 6/23.  The winner can CHOOSE any of my current releases to receive in their inboxes as a gift from the Southern Belle herself.  Sounds fun don’t it? Here’s an example….

50 Shades of Grey and Zombies:  Ana is a shy college girl, inept and awkward until the day she meets Christian Grey.  In a bizarre twist of fate, her friend begs her to do an interview with the mysterious and beautiful CEO.  Just as she blurts out, “Are you gay, Mr. Grey?”  an alarm goes off and suddenly they’re thrust into a fight for survival as zombies overtake the office building.  Little does Ana know that Mr. Grey has a panic room downstairs that also serves as a Dungeon of Desire.  Soon Ana finds herself surrendering to his erotic whims in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

Get the idea?  So get to writin’!  I can’t wait to hear those blurbs!  And I will be posting them and giggling on facebook!

 

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50 Shades of WTF?!?: Kinky is NOT Synonymous with Crazy!

OK… it’s been a few days since we’ve talked.  *In my best Joan Rivers voice* Can we tawlk? I’ve been stewing about this for a couple of days now and I just have to speak up.  I have enjoyed the book a great deal.  I agree that its poorly written in spots, that the character of Ana is juvenile– all those things I’ve said I stand by, but overall– it’s an entertaining read.  However, there is something that is really bothering me.  Being kinky does not mean that you’re a crazy person!

Let me begin by saying that in my travels over the internet and Convention circuits, I have met several people that are in alternative lifestyles– among those BDSM lifestyles.  Some are 24-7 TPE (Total Power Exchange), some just play bedroom games (more my speed– my mouth is too big for TPE), some are polyamorous, some just have open relationships, some are LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transexual/gender).  Variety is the spice of life and we are so lucky in this world to have so many flavors.  And I must tell you that none of the people I’ve met had deep seated psychological problems.  To my knowledge, none of these people have been abused as children, lived in a cardboard box at some point in their lives, or have violent reactions to shellfish. My point is, just because you like kinky sex or live an alternative lifestyle doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you.  As a person who likes a little spice in her life— I’m kind of offended.  For myself, but for all those people who just want to do what they like in peace.  Or have a hard enough time with people telling them they’re abnormal.

More than once in 5o Shades they’ve alluded to Christian having some kind of early childhood trauma that has led him to be this way.  I haven’t gotten far enough to figure out exactly what that is, but I have a good idea.  My question is– why?  Why can’t he just be a kinky dude?  In the book when Ana asks Grey why he’s like this, he simply says “It’s just how I’m made.”  And you know what?  That’s the right answer.  Some people are just made the way they are.  Some people have blue eyes, some brown.  Some people like straight  missionary sex, others want to tie their partners up.  It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with them.  As long as what you like to do is consensual and safe, why is it abnormal?  One theory is that it’s easier for us as a society to “accept” these strange feelings of mixing pleasure and pain that some of us have if we explain it away with neuroses.  We don’t have to feel guilty if it isn’t our fault.  I assert that you shouldn’t have to feel guilty.  Is it that the author feels guilty about these fantasies?

Anyway, just some observations.  The good news is, I’ve had an idea for a ridiculous Free Read.  Join me later this week for part one of “31 Flavors of Bastian Robbins.”

And don’t forget, if you like reading my blog, be sure to check out some of my books.  I’m really funny in a longer forum… 😛

In case you didn’t know by now, I’m an author of (mostly) paranormal erotic romance.  You can find my work in your favorite eBook format at:  Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Bookstrand and AllRomance eBooks

50 Shades of WTF?!?, The Return

Well I have to say, kittens, that I really enjoyed tonight’s chapters.  Despite of some of the complaints that I’ll get into later, I have to say it made me smile.  And I didn’t think it was going to at first.  When the chapter began with an improptu visit from Christian’s mom I thought we were about to segue into total cornball territory.  But surprisingly, the visit was short and it gave us just enough to know that he 1– didn’t spring from his father’s forehead, 2– he wasn’t born from midichlorians (I had a theory) or 3– his mom wasn’t some cold hearted, blueblood bitch.  The latter would have been such a damn cliche.  And it might prove me wrong later.  As you know, I’m talking about the chapters as I read– so I’m not done yet.  I have to say I’m starting to enjoy the relationship between Christian and Ana, but it’s mostly due to the believeability of Grey.  Of course, I’m a girl, so perhaps I’m too hard on Ana, but her language and decisions are just so juvenile.  But his dialogue is great.  Just the right amount of flirtation and innuendo coupled with that intimidating seriousness.  And the author does a really great job of making us feel that intimidation.  See– I do think she has some talent as a writer, lest you think I’m just trashing the whole thing.  Notice I continue to read…

And on to the complaint department…

1.  Shut up you inner fucking goddess.  Now the voices in her head are doing the lotus position and jumping up and down!  WTF?!!?  I’m all for inner dialogue, but enough already!!

2.  Team Jacob/ Team Edward, thinly veiled.  Does anyone else think that Jose’s character is a little too Jacob Black?  My theory?  We changed Jacob to Jose and made him Hispanic rather than Native American.  Because Portland has such a HUGE Hispanic population….

3.  The contract.  Now, in a contemporary BDSM novel it is commonplace to show the negotiation between the Dominant and submissive.  Some even believe that it’s the responsibility of the author to show this as an educational tool.  You want people to be safe if they decide to try any of the BDSM play mentioned in the book.  So you show negotiation, rules, talk about safewords, etc.  And I have to say– James does a FANTASTIC job of emphasizing the safety involved in this type of relationship.  But did we need to read the ENTIRE TEN PAGES OF THE CONTRACT WORD FOR WORD?!  Just excerpts would have sufficed and the length was very tiresome.  This is where an editor could have stepped in and gotten it under control.

But overall, tonight I really enjoyed the chapters.  Perhaps I’ve been drawn in a little more this time. Who knows, but it made me want to keep reading.  Stay tuned, faithful readers, for tomorrow I plan to give you my thoughts AND a few things to read that are similar to 50 Shades but BETTER.  Cuz I know that now you’ve had a taste of the BDSM Erotic Romance, you’ll be hungry for more…

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I’m available for questioning at the following locales:

The Southern Belle from Hell: https://lexxxchristian.wordpress.com/

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/alexandra.christian1

Fan Page on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Lexxx-Christian-The-Southern-Belle-from-Hell/245839382102904

Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/LexxxChristian

In case you didn’t know by now, I’m an author of (mostly) paranormal erotic romance. You can find my work in your favorite eBook format at: Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Bookstrand and AllRomance eBooks

Fifty Shades of WTF!!??! Pt. 4— This Time It’s Personal

Sorry it’s been so long since the last 50 Shades post, but I was a bit busy.  I’m always so ambitious about blogging and writing during Con weekends, but I never manage to get around to it.  Anyhow, I dutifully finished my chapter tonight and am now ready to release all my feelings about it.  And there are quite a few, so I won’t tarry.

Today I’ll start with what I did like about the chapter.  Once again, Christian’s character doesn’t fail to disappoint.  The author does a great job of making us swoon for Grey even as Bella.. I mean, Ana… yeah.. Ana…is drooling over him.  I really  like his reactions to Ana.  Definitely the reaction all us girls would like to get from our men.  Not afraid to show his pleasure.  I liked that.  I also liked how believeable, for once, Ana was the morning after.  That’s exactly what I would have done– gone into his kitchen and made breakfast for myself.  Though I’d probably never cook in a stranger’s kitchen, but I thought it was a nice little segue.

But enough of that…on to my WTF?! moments…

The chapter opens the morning after her first sexual experience with Grey… or with anyone for that matter.  It follows the traditional pattern until she starts talking about her “bathroom needs.”  That just made me go eeeww… We really didn’t need to know about that.  At least not in the same paragraph where she was talking about how beautiful and sexy Grey is.

I thought the general concept of a sexy mutual bath was pretty good, but I had some logistical issues.  In fact, they bothered me so much that I had to ask my guy friends about it.  Unless Grey is in the Guiness Book of World Records– if he’s sitting in a tub, wouldn’t his cock be submerged in the water?  And assuming it was… if she went down on him… she’d drown.  “Oh my, Mr. Grey… glug glug glug.”  The end.  Maybe I didn’t read it correctly, but I’m not sure that this scene was physically possible.  And the part where he used the pigtails as handlebars just made me laugh out loud.

We had a few more disturbing instances of Ana’s inner voices.  This time it was the Inner Goddess dancing the merengue with salsa moves that kind of got to me.  These little descriptors would be fine and even entertaining in one isolated spot, but she uses this over and over and over.  We had more “oh my”s and “down there”s and it seemed to just infuriate me each time.  I should lighten up a bit.

Anyway, stay tuned for tomorrow’s installment of WTF?!!s.  Smoke may actually come out of my ears.  So last time, I closed with a little piece of my latest novel, Beast of Burden.  This time I figured, since this chapter of 50 Shades was all about oral, I’d give a little bit of oral education from my first novel Hellsong.

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She sat back on her heels and pulled the opening wider until he heard the seam give way. He was dazed as he raised his body again, letting her draw the pants over his hip and down. Her smile changed to something more primal as she stared down at his sex, now fully exposed. He could tell she was impressed by the unabashed way she gasped and stared down at it. Like the rest of him, it was perfect in its construction, carved from what could only be marble from the floor of Heaven. His skin was pale and unblemished, warm to the touch, nearly burning.

He watched as she ran her fingertips over the length, as if trying to memorize each nuance of flesh. He groaned, inviting her kisses and she obliged, dipping her head low and curiously pressing her lips to a spot just above his sex. He groaned again and she lingered on the spot, trilling the tip of her tongue in agonizingly slow circles. He could feel the blood rushing just under the skin and, for the first time in recent memory, he felt alive. She pulled back, hovering over him and breathing moist air against his skin. “I promise to spare your soul,” she whispered before devouring his sex completely.

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I won’t keep going, as then there would be no point, but be sure to check out this and all my other works on Amazon, AllRomance Ebooks, B&N.com, Bookstrand and anyplace where quality eBooks are sold.

Happy reading!

Fifty Shades of WTF!?!– PT. 3, The Revenge

My subconscious is telling me not to write this post.  She jumps up and down wearing her angriest steel stilletto cha-cha shoes.  I smack her down.

Don’t worry.  I didn’t lift that line directly from Fifty Shades.  But I could have.  I read three chapters tonight and my first observation is that I want to take Anastasia’s subconscious by the hair, pull her head back and slit her throat.  I really want her subconscious to stop talking.  Look, I’m all for literary devices, but there comes a point when these little inner dialogues become tiresome.  As I’ve told my students a hundred times.  Show.  Don’t Tell.  This chick is hearing more voices than Charley Manson.

And dark, unexplored places.  Can we stop visiting those?  Is she talking about her basement or her vagina?  Or perhaps Christian’s psyche?  I can’t quite figure it out.  But every night she’s dreaming of dark, unexplored places.  My editor gets all over me for using the word they too much, yet this babe is getting away with dark unexplored places on every page.  Though I will say— it’s better than gaping maw.

The last bit I read tonight involved the deflowering of Anastasia.  WTF?!  First off, we spent the previous ten pages discussing how Grey is a cold and unfeeling sadist.  He shows her his dungeon for fuck’s sake (yes… I said it.  I said the F-word.)!  Oh and by the way– can we not just call a spade a spade.  Playroom, oxblood leather that gives it a romantic feel?  Whatever… its a fuckin’ dungeon.  Anyway, the about face was so abrupt that I thought I had skipped a few pages.  I get that we wanted to incorporate the virgin fantasy.  But perhaps that scene would have been better suited BEFORE the dungeon and the “I don’t make love.  I fuck.  Hard.”  line. That being said, I thought that the sex scene was pretty well written and I admit– parts of it made me flutter a little bit.  I have to give credit where it’s due.  Grey is a pretty damn hot.  His choices of words are very believable and very seductive.  So kudos to his end of the dialogue.  But so help me… if that bitch says “oh my” one more time….

I’d like to end tonight with a little taste of my own “deflowering” scene from Beast of Burden.  Like Christian Grey, my werewolf hero, Cianan Marek, is a gruff and dominating son of a bitch with a soft spot for a certain girl.  In this scene, our hero and heroine are finally going to get it on!  And of course, being a good little medievalish slave— she reveals her virginity and apprehension to her Master…. rawwrr…

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Her eyes were open when his mouth descended on hers once more. His kiss was  furious and their tongues fought for dominance before he won out. When he rose, he pulled her with him, gathering her into his arms and turning to lay her back down across his bed, their lips never parting. By the time he released her, she was gasping for breath and pulling at his shirt, wanting him to stay close. He took her hands, putting them by her sides as he knelt beside her on the bed. Her eyes stayed on him as he lifted her pelvis easily, tugging her torn dress over her hips and throwing it aside. He made another growling sound as his eyes slithered over her body and Sascha’s heart skipped a beat. She started to protest, but his mouth silenced her again. His hands were all over her, tracing lightly with the tips of his fingers. She groaned softly, stretching out beneath him, remembering all the things she’d read in Bella’s journal. Would he work the same magic on her? She was apprehensive, but more afraid that this would end.

Cianan slid to his side, his hand placed warmly on her belly as he kissed the cuff of her ear. “You’re so beautiful, Sascha. Seeing you lying here ignites a fire I’d thought long dead.”

She blushed, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything in response, feeling only the palms of his hands moving in slow circles around her navel. It was as if he were memorizing her skin, every curve, every blemish. He leaned down to kiss her again, but she shied away.

“Cianan,” she whispered, her fingers against his lips. “I should tell you. I’ve…” she stammered, losing her nerve every time she looked into those glowing embers in his eyes. “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what…”

“Ssshhh…” he soothed, kissing each of her fingertips. “You’ve nothing to fear, little one. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

He gave her a comforting smile and she nodded. She grew quiet as he placed a trail of burning kisses across her collarbone. She closed her eyes, wanting to clear her head from the spell he was working over her with his hands. He continued stroking her skin, caressing each little crease and studying her reactions. The sweeps became wider until his fingertips brushed the gentle curvature of her breast. She made a small whine and he took it as encouragement, taking the breast into his mouth again. This time, he took the bud of her nipple between his teeth, nipping it gently with the point of his pearled canine.

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And of course…. you have to read the rest for yourself!  But I can tell you how to get the rest… take a little trip over to Amazon, AllRomanceEbooksBookstrand or B&N.com.  Just sayin’….

As for Fifty Shades, I’ll be back tomorrow with another set of musings LIVE from ConCarolinas in Charlotte, NC!  I’ll be appearing on panels Saturday and Sunday, but I will be available for snarky comments from the audience at many others.  See y’all soon!